April 29, 2017

Do You Isolate Yourself? Maybe You Shouldn’t.

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My autoimmune condition has always been a huge part of my life, and the intensity it brings to my daily experience is often something I don’t want to burden others with. I shy away from discussing it  even with my closest of friends more often than not .  Especially when my body is flaring up and I am in a lot of pain or discomfort.

Truth be told,  my friends usually find out  about it after the fact, and once I fill them in , most of them immediately gasp and say, “Nitty, why didn’t you tell me?! I would have come over and taken care of you or at least just brought you some tea!” And while I might say something like, “I know, I just didn’t want to bother you with it,”the truth is, I was afraid to tell them.  I was afraid to be vulnerable, that if I shared this super painful and important part of myself with them, and they don’t respond the way I want them to, I will feel worse.

Can you relate? Do you isolate, separate, or shut people out for similar reasons?

Well, not matter which side of the fence you’re on–isolating or being the friend who wasn’t clued in,  totally sucks.

I wanted to bring this up because lately I’ve really felt the effect of isolation from the other side –as the person being shut out.  I have a lot of amazing people in my life who have an incredible emotional capacity for love, growth, and intimacy.  It’s profound to say the least.  But even still, many of them isolate and I find myself feeling so deeply hurt by that more often than I would like.

I have worked on things on my end and committed to truly surrendering in these moments, having faith that those who are meant to be in my life will be. But it has also brought to light how much isolating effects those who love you. When we isolate, we tend to think that it’s better for the other person.  

Well love, I am here to tell you that if someone truly loves you, it’s actually not better for them to have you shut them out. I know that when reading this, that might seem obvious, but in the moment it often isn’t.

So this post is for all of you out there who tend to want to run and hide when discomfort, pain, or scary life circumstances take hold.  I want you to know that if someone truly loves you, that’s the last thing that they want you to do. And chances are, they are the exact person who can hold you through whatever it is you’re going through. The kind thing to do if you really love someone, is to let them know where you’re at, and that you will be back in touch when you’re able to be.  It will save everyone a lot of heartache in the end, trust me.

If you’re someone who gets deeply hurt when people you love are isolating, I just want you to know that you’re not alone.  If you can do the work to love yourself a little more during those moments, that’s where the gold is.  Know that you’re so freaking worthy of love it’s ridiculous and that this person who you love so very much will be back soon. When they do finally resurface, allow yourself to be honest with them about how it felt to have them drop out of your life. They need to hear it for the evolution of their soul as much as you need permission to say it.  

I love you all so much and I hope this blog was a tender hug for some of you and a gentle reminder for others.  I know isolation can be tempting, but just remember, it has an impact.

So now I want to hear from you!  Are you someone who tends to isolate?  Were there any insights you got from this blog that you didn’t think of before?  Or are you the person who gets shut out a lot and feels hurt?  Let me know where you’re at with this conversation below. I want to hear from you and support you on this journey.

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  • Danielle

    I isolate cause I’m confused and lost . I appear to be great to others . I lose myself and who I am where I’m going and who I wanna be with . I hide every weekend . I guess I’m afraid to feel vulnerable or pathetic . I have 2 boys and well without having to be their mom I don’t know where I would be . I try self care and being positive and well still struggling . I’m divorced I have a Regular job money is tight and 2 kids , I have many courses under my belt for health coaching , personal training , reiki, aesthetician . I’m so internally down on my ability I took s regular job for safety. I also dated a girl for the first time after my marriage was over and well got so hurt . I don’t know any art of my life’s path . Money boys girl job life is coming down on me so I stay in ????????????‍♀️

    • Nitika

      Hi Danielle, first off thank you for sharing your truth with us here. It sounds like you have a ton on your plate and if you tend to isolate, I am sure sharing it wasn’t totally easy. Second, I completely hear you. There is so much happening in a variety of areas in your life, and that can cause major confusion and a feeling of being lost or even hopeless. What I am hoping for with writing this post, is that my readers know that they don’t have to go through everything alone. So even though you have so much you’re working through and it’s intense, and you feel lost and confused, I know there is at least ONE person who would want to bring some light/joy/love into your life. I am sure of it. So maybe next weekend, try making plans even for just a few hours or have a phone chat. It will be better for you and all of those who love you. I promise. You got this! Lots of love xx

  • Brooke Roper

    I’m definitely an isolator and I have friends who isolate as well….which is not a good combo at all. I didn’t realize until I read your post how much it affects the other people who DO want to help. Which is really funny because I immediately remembered how I feel getting shut out. I have a chronic illness, so it’s easy for me to isolate, especially when the fatigue takes over my brain & body. What’s interesting is how I’ve used to my isolation as an excuse to isolate & put myself down—that I think no one will understand, so I hide away. Which harms me and possible friendships. I downplay my need for time alone and then just hole up and hide. Quite a conundrum….your article helps me realize there are always 2 sides to every story & every relationship. Sending you love and we’ll wishes! As always, thank you for being honest & vulnerable…..you inspire me to keep sharing my own heart!! ????

    • Nitika

      Brooke, thank you so much for commenting here! I SO relate to the conundrum, as someone with a chronic illness too it can be SO tempting to assume no one will get it and that we need to hide/isolate and just deal with things ourselves. I do the same thing!! That’s why I wanted to share this perspective as I know it’s not for our highest good. Sending you so much love and wishing you and your body all the good vibes possible! xxx

  • Johy

    This describes me so accurately !!
    I close my shell like an oyster and try to disappear and Iknoe it’s dangerous since some times it leads to self harming thoughts. Fortunately I was blessed with an amazing husband who knows better and find the right way to open my shell, it’s such a releaf !!
    I need to learn how to open myself more
    Thank you so much for your blog IG stories and everything you are a bless too 🙂

    • Nitika

      That’s beautiful that you recognize this though! So glad you have love surrounding you. Thank you for commenting!

  • Sunitha

    Many times isolation is more for self preservation, which is what i tend to do; but is it good? NO! sharing is a very conscious option and takes lot of practice; enjoyed reading your post;

    • Nitika

      Totally agree with that – yes! Thank you for commenting Sunitha. Lots of love! xx

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