As I sit down to write this blog for you, I have a wave of deep love and gratitude washing over me. Because what we are about to explore together is something that I wasn’t ready to face until very recently. So if you feel resistance come up, if you get angry or want to cry…just know you’re not alone in this and you are absolutely strong enough to face it.
When many of us embark on a journey towards more self-love, it’s because we want our lives to look a certain way or we want to feel a certain way. It’s a beautiful thing to want the best for yourself, and I truly believe that we deserve all of our hearts desires.
One of the first steps to getting what you want in the future is to go back to where it all began. To dig deep into the archives of pain from your life and explore it with wide open eyes like never before.
How did it feel when that boy rejected you?
What did you make it mean when you got a lower grade than your best friend?
What did you start to believe about yourself when you weren’t as thin as your mother?
And the questions go on from there. In fact, if we allow it, they will never stop. We keep digging, digging and digging some more. And although it is hard as hell sometimes, we eventually reach this state of joy; when we have a breakthrough and can transform them into a new reality. Truly, it’s a never ending process.
But when are we going to be ready to go forward instead of backwards? While there is so much power and strength that comes from truly understanding the past, and I would never suggest that it’s not important, isn’t there a point when we’re done carrying it into our present?
As humans, it’s almost as if we like to sit in the past like it’s a delicious bowl of chocolate frosting. In reality though, it’s a bowl of quicksand sucking you in, pulling you down, over and over again. Like no matter how hard you to try, there is always a piece of your past waiting for you inside of your next thought. Whoa. Do you feel me on this one?
To make it even clearer, I want to share a little story with you about something that happened to me recently. You may or may not know that I was a singer growing up. I took voice lessons for 15 years and it was the thing that I loved the absolute most in my life. I remember when I first realized I loved to sing; I described it as feeling like I was holding hands with God. It is the thing I hold the most dear to me and I feel the most vulnerable when sharing my voice with others, which is why I almost never do.
When I was a kid, I was in Acapella Choir, taking those voice lessons and singing EVERY chance I got. I would sing walking down the halls at school, I would sing my homework (even if it was Math!), I would sing as I woke up and as I went to bed. I just couldn’t stop and it made me so incredibly happy that at one point I thought for sure I would become a professional singer because I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. It was everything to me. But…there are countless moments from that time in my life where my voice was squashed, pushed down, shoved around and made fun of.
Yes. The thing I held the most dear to my heart was being tossed around like it was worthless when I would share it with certain people in my life. And it felt like a part of me died on the inside each time. Sometimes it was kids at school telling me to stop singing all the time because I was annoying. Other times I was crushed that the popular girl in school got the choir solo that I was hoping for. And often, it was comments from my family, who just didn’t understand my love for it at the time.
No one tried to hurt me or kill my spirit, but I managed to hold onto those stories and moments for so long that I eventually stopped singing altogether. And I haven’t taken voice lessons or actively shared my voice in 11 years because of it.
Recently, I began to question, why in the WORLD am I letting these past voices and stories dictate my future? This is MY voice dammit. This is MY life. This is MY story that I get to actively write every moment I am blessed enough to be alive. Why am I handing over my power to them, every. single. day?
Oh hell no, I am so done with that story, my loves. So much so, that I started the journey of taking voice lessons again on Wednesday and my next lesson is already setup for next week. There is no better time than right now to own my voice, and I want you to come with me.
If I had continued to let myself get drawn in by the familiarity and stories of my past, I would probably never even allow myself to admit that singing is so important to me. Let alone start voice lessons again!
So where do you want to create your life from? The stories that are filled with hurt from your past? Or the possibility of what you can create for your future? The truth within your heart can help you walk forward into your future more easily than you might realize. You just need to have the slightest willingness.
Now comes my favorite part where I get to hear from each of you. Is there an area of your life where you are letting your past dictate your future? How long has that been going on? Are you ready to let it go? Write me a comment below (I always answer every one!) and share what you got out of reading the blog this week. It honestly means the world to me to connect with you in this way. Love you. So much.
Comments
Brooke Roper 04/16/17
Hey girl!! First off, yeah for you stepping out & owning your voice!!! So excited to hear what else comes up for you as you get to be reintroduced to your voice.
I’ve been dealing with this myself–except mine is in the area of career growth. The past voices–name calling, squashing my spirit, making fun of me–those words hurt. They literally do make you feel as if you’ve died inside. And I said goodbye to pieces of myself for so many years. These past stories, past voices have led to my current station in life–feeling stuck, locked in a box, and unable to grow higher/be more abundant/achieve entrepreneurial success.
Now, I’m totally working on stepping into my power. I’ve started to question each thing I think. It’s exhausting to be in this phase, but I know it will take me so much farther than my current belief system.
I’m tired of searching for a holy grail…one key to lead me to success. There isn’t one key,…it’s a series of steps/choices/decisions to help me decide to change my life.
Thanks girlie for writing this. Your words are letting me know I’m not alone in releasing/analyzing/processing these old stories. I’m no longer that girl anymore and I want to step into my power.
Nitika 04/16/17
This is so beautiful, thank you for sharing your truth, Brooke! You are most certainly not alone. I am so proud of you for realizing all of these truths and that there isn’t one answer but multiple steps to take. I love it and am sending YOU so much love xxx
Mary/ Mare 04/16/17
Oh my, Nitika!!! You touched a lot of nerves for me with your story about
singing!
I am still battling demons to this day because of my past
I’m not sure my mother ever really loved me!
She often told a story that she prayed to Blessed Mother Mary for a child and that’s why she named me after her!
Well my mother was fighting her own battle with depression
and she would be well sometimes and the times she was depressed
were not good for her but even worse for me. She would verbally abuse me and
Once she hit me with a wooden board that said “board of education” on it.
What kind of education is that, right? I am very proud that I learned how not to parent my kids from her!!
I think the Blessed Mother Mary had something to do with that and I’m thankful.
The story is long but my point and my struggle is about never feeling
good enough, smart enough, worthy enough!
At my age I should be over all that and most of the time I’m ok
with my job, my children, grandchildren, and my poetry! Yes I write poetry!!!
It took me a while to share any of it, in fact I had a blog on Word Press but
I let the voices in my head talk me into deleting it.
I’m so glad I found you and I thank you for writing your blog! You are saving me from the voices
Inside my head Keep up the great job!!!
Hugs, Mary
Nitika 04/16/17
Hi Mary! Thank you for commenting and sharing your story with me. I totally get what you’re saying and can’t imagine how hard that time must have been for you. All I can say is that there is no age limit or set time frame for healing, those stories and wounds will heal when they are ready. And in the mean time, all you can do is love yourself through it. You’re doing better than you might think. Thank you for the encouraging words and sending love your way xxx
Mary 04/16/17
Thank You for replying and for believing in me!!
Have a great rest of your evening❤
Nitika 04/16/17
<3 <3 <3
Shaara 04/20/17
Hi Nitika!
I love your writing. It reminds me of mine, in the sense that, I get my best ideas/content when I am digging deep within myself to find answers.
I have discovered recently that I am letting my past dictate my future by having a convenient memory. I can and have, in the past, gotten in the habit of following others instead of continuing my momentum and following my own path. I have fallen back into this pattern recently. Thank goodness, I have a mom and aunt that point it out to me, although, I am sure they get frustrated. I allow this to happen by falling back into patterns of seeking comfort, what seems easiest and less hurtful. This is a habit I created from dealing with past events in my life. I am determined, now more than ever, to stay aware of my own choices and actions, to evalute and adjust them so I stay on MY path, not allowing myself to follow someone else onto their path.
Nitika 04/20/17
Hi Shaara! I am so glad this resonated with you and I so relate to what you wrote. The word comfort popped out for me in a big way because I think that’s a big part of all of this. It feels SO comfortable to stew in our past because it’s familiar but in reality, it’s not serving us at all. Keep going forward! Sending you lots of love xxx
Lisa 04/20/17
Love the refreshing honesty of your blog. People are so immersed in ‘faking’ who they are, don’t get me wrong, I’m not one who wants to air my dirty laundry, but there is a difference between being honest and letting our experiences good and bad, help us move on and be a better person. Let us live a better, more fulfilled life. Showing our hurts, our joys, our failures, our victories, takes courage and needs us to be honest with ourselves, ultimately helping ourselves but knowing sharing these experiences may just help others. We all need each other, someone to lean on, confide in. It maybe an old friend, it maybe. A complete stranger who writes a blog! Either way it’s a way of reaching out and connecting. We are not alone. We are the author of our own stories, but we also need other characters to make the book readable! I’m 11 months away from turning 50 and over the past 18 months I have shed the negativity and Judgy Mc Judgy’s in my life, some friends…or so I thought, and some family. It’s been heartbreaking and yet at the same time cathartic, I suffer from depression and anxiety which left me quite debilitated in functioning through daily life, these people made me feel inadequate and generally bad about myself. Once I made the decision to shed them from my life I moved on. I now own and run a young, but successful business that came to fruition from a love of nature and woodworking and using it as ‘therapy’. And out of nowhere a business was born! I have met people, I am energetic and driven to succeed, to create art and decor that brings joy to others…I feel fulfilled. My mental illness makes me feel like I am walking a tightrope every day, but now more than ever I WILL NOT fall off, I may wobble but I have surrounded myself with positivity and like minded people and so I keep myself balanced thanks to support from all sides. Sorry to ramble…be proud of yourself for identifying something missing from your life because of the influence of others. We all need to be the person WE want to be. Hopefully one day soon you will post a blog post with a video of you singing! Much love ???? Xo
Nitika 04/21/17
OMG Lisa this is beautiful!! First, thank you for your sweet words. Second, go you for shedding toxic people!! I had to do the exact same thing a few years ago and it made a tremendous difference in my life. So excited for you and what’s next at 50 this year and beyond. Sending so much love your way!! xx
Kim 04/21/17
Nitika, I freaking LOVE that you are taking voice lessons again!!!!!!
That just warmed my heart!!!!!! Great blog!❤️
Xoxo Kim
Nitika 04/21/17
Aww thanks Kim!! Your support and love mean so much to me!! Have a beautiful day! <3 xxx