My First Health Flare Up In Two Years

July 20, 2018 Health

The past couple of months have been filled with so much clarity, a bit of disappointment and a couple of setbacks in between. It’s so important to me that I share the whole truth of things with you because we all have things that sparkle in our lives and things that cause chaos or break our hearts. If I am going to have the incredible privilege of sharing my truth with an audience (no matter what the size) I feel it is my duty to make sure I share the WHOLE truth so that we can collectively relieve shame and break the cycle of isolation. This weeks blog is no different in the quest to be vulnerable and real.

Since the summer of 2016 I have been sharing that things in my life were in a state of crumbling and I actually feel like I am finally out of that phase and have entered more of a rebuilding period of my life. It’s created a deep sense of relief for me to see that I am piecing together a new foundation for myself in many areas of my life, but it has also been a reminder of what growth actually looks like in reality.

It seems like when we dream about all the ways we want to grow in our lives we have this fantasy or belief that if we grow, we are always and only moving forward. Well my love, I have found that this is not actually true. Growth looks a lot more like taking two steps forward, four steps back, one step forward, 7 steps back and so on.

When I started my journey to get healthier in 2016 I went to the best doctor I could find, got every test imaginable and embarked on a 9 month journey of the cleanest eating regimine I had ever been able to consistently keep up with. It was tough for me but I was also really ready for the challenge and figured that it was time as my body was giving me clear signs of needing a change.

Fast forward about two years later and while so many of my tests have come back with really amazing results and I see a ton of progress, I have also been experiencing a lot challenges with my health recently. It seems as though I have healed many things that were out of balance with my body but there have been a few things that haven’t shifted as easily. My immune system is still pretty stressed out and it basically wants me to be on a grain-free, sugar-free diet for good, not just for a few months.

Now that I have settled into the idea of this I don’t feel like it’s that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life, but that’s NOT how I felt about it initially. When my doctor first told me what was going on with my body I was really angry. I felt a deep level of frustration that made me want to scream and throw a temper tantrum like a child who had just been told she can never eat cake. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was real. I felt all the anger of being restricted, being different, being in a constant state of physical discomfort and even the fears of being rejected because of it all.

What I was able to uncover through a process of leaning on some of the most special humans I know (a post on them coming soon!) and allowing myself to go through another grieving process with my body, has brought me to a place that feels empowering and filled with a ton of gratitude. When I got the results about my body and made the dietary changes I needed to, I actually didn’t start feeling great right away, it was actually the exact opposite. I felt like I was constantly going to faint, I had tremendous brain fog, my skin started breaking out in rashes and I event got some psoriasis back on my legs. It was incredibly overwhelming to say the least and the combination of my physical feelings mixed with the fear of my body being totally taken over by my condition again felt like more than what I could handle.

Can you relate? I have heard so many people in the chronic illness community share how the fear around their body breaking down is such an intense one for them!

What I realized through all of this breaking down over the past few months, is that my body is changing and that is OK. I have so much PTSD from everything my body has gone through that it causes me to be incredibly fearful when anything changes. I often forget to add fluidity to my life and allow for the unexpected because surprises used to mean something terrible was going to happen. These past few months have reminded me that this doesn’t have to be the case!

The changes of these past few months were tough at first, but they have lead me to these incredible experiences as well…

I am now cooking 90% of my meals at home again and finally remembering how much I love it and how much better I feel. Having a handle on my own food makes me feel deeply strong and empowered.

I have strengthened a number of relationships because I have been vulnerable enough to ask for help and have seen how people who are truly meant to be a part of my tribe, show up with ease and PLEASURE. Such a powerful reminder.

I have also felt a ton of grace in my work. I have had many days and even weeks where I couldn’t push as hard as I wanted to with work and I still am very aware of the fact that everything has continued to move forward. After a ton of ups and downs, I am aware that I have finally found a workflow that works for my dreams and my body.

I joined the GYM! This one is an actual miracle. I don’t talk about working out much because I have always struggled with moving my body. After not walking without severe pain for so many years I had convinced myself that there was no reason to exert myself beyond daily running around in NYC. Well lately my body has told me a VERY different story and has made it incredibly clear that she needs me to move a lot more, and often.  

These are just a handful of the ways that my life has expanded as a result of the health breakdown and I am sure there will be more as the months pass. Our health is not linear my loves, and that’s ok! I just needed a reminder and I thought you might too. How have you experienced something similar with your health? I want to know in the comments below. Have you had setbacks that felt way worse because of fear? Or have you found that your health challenges always yield incredible results for you that you are grateful for? Let me know!

Photo by Melinda DiMauro

Thank you for reading.

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