My dearest body…
You’ve been with me since day one and there is so much we have been through together. There have been countless moments where I felt like you were on my side and is if we could do anything together with such grace and joy. Like the time I fell madly in love and my heart filled up more than I thought I could handle. Or the day I swam with sharks in the middle of the Indian Ocean after learning how to scuba dive, you took me there. On those days, you were my closest friend and my most trusted companion and for that I am so grateful.
But as with any love story, ours has had so many twists and turns along the way, and I find myself wondering if if we can be friends. As I write you this with tears streaming down my face, I know we are both brave enough to make it through to the other side of this moment. To the other side of this massive flare of tension, exhaustion and pain. I know in my heart that we are strong enough.
But body, my love, I continue to feel like you’re testing me. Constantly trying to see how much I really mean it when I tell you that “I love you”.
I am sorry for the times when my love feels fleeting. I am just angry and underneath that I am deeply hurt. I don’t know why you choose to show up the way you do. My mind can’t seem to understand why you can’t just do as you’re told or as other people’s bodies seem to do. I feel a level of frustration that feels draining and that just adds to my frustration.
Why can’t you move more, feel more rested, stay skinnier, be able to process more foods and have smooth skin? Is that really too much to ask you to do? It doesn’t feel like it should be. After all, I am pushing and growing and fighting and nurturing the absolute best I know how to. For you. For us. For this one life we have been blessed with. The least you could do is show up whole and healthy, body.
I know it might sound like I am being hard on you, and maybe I am, but the only reason why I am sharing all of this with you is because I believe that the most loving thing I can do is be honest with you about where I am at and how I feel. Because even if you can’t change, holding on to all of my emotions and pretending like I am fine, is not going to help either of us.
Here’s what I can promise in the face of my frustration.
I can promise to take care of you to the absolute best of my ability. And when I don’t know exactly what you need, I can promise to get quiet enough so that I can hear you tell me.
I can promise to stop myself more often when I find myself complaining about you. And for bonus points I can even try to replace those negative thoughts and words with ones that are filled with love.
I can promise to try to let you move more. I know I have always preferred to be still so that I don’t get hurt or sick, but I hear you that you need me to shift that. I hear you.
I can promise to foster relationships with humans that fill you up with that warm and loving feeling. Not the feeling of anxiety or despair that you might have been used to before.
I can promise to do whatever I can to make sure you are always being respected. By me and by those that I let come into contact with you.
And lastly, my love, I can promise to not give up on you and to believe that we are both always doing our absolute best.
I love you, my sweet strong and beautiful body. And I am sorry that it probably feels like I don’t a lot of the time. I will do better.
Love,
Nitika
Comments
Simone 08/05/18
This is so beautiful. I have written a letter like this before
but yours is so vulnerable and real, maybe I need to write another.
I have PCOS, I’ve had issues with ruptured ovarian cysts and I’m so
frustrated with my body at times. I blame a lot of things on my weight.
We all need to be a lot kinder to our bodies.
Nitika 08/05/18
Simone, thank you for commenting, I am so glad that this resonated with you. It was hard to share but I knew it would be important to. Sending you and your brave body so much love <3
Anusha 08/06/18
This is very true. I agree with every word there you’ve written.
I hate my metabolism and no matter how well I treat my body I need to be careful every single day.
I have chronic tinnitus and I tried so many doctors and alternative treatments none of them work for my body. I wonder why it is so hard to recover for our body sometimes from a trauma. Besides this all my hormones flared up due to pregnancy and my face is filled with acne like never before.
Just the other week someone said to my face that I am ugly and gross to look at knowing I am pregnant. I couldn’t control my tears and just cried I know have my baby inside shouldn’t be crying. Some people are insensible and not sure where they leave their manners/kindness.
I am frustrated at my body many times but we have to understand our body and change our habits accordingly.
Nitika 08/06/18
Ugh I am so sorry, this sounds so stressful and hard!! I am glad that you can find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, through my writing. Sending you and your brave body so much love xxx
nani 08/06/18
dear nitika
I love you very much
You are very brave
With Blessings
Nani
wish I could take your pain
Nitika 08/06/18
I love you so much Nani!!! You are my greatest inspiration of strength!!!
Aarti 11/21/18
Reading this letter to your body felt a bit like an out of body experience, because i have felt exactly this way. Especially before doctors could figure out that my Diagnosis was Fibromyalgia and more recently finding out i have symptoms of psoriasis. Reading through some of your posts, I am realizing I don’t know much about psoriasis and if you could point me in the direction of some articles that you personally found helpful. Thanks for sharing and i hope you have more better days than bad ones, (but the bad ones remind us just how good the good days are!!)
Annamarie 07/24/19
This is so beautiful I love it. I’m full of self hate and I’m working on my compassion towards myself. And to understand I’m not perfect
Eva 07/25/19
Thank you Nitika for writing that letter, it was truly beautiful. It made me cry (the good and healing kind) and helped me realize how much truth your words carry. Truly, I am very grateful. Sending you lots of love
Karen Linder 09/28/19
This is beautiful. I am moved very much by it and would like to print it out so I can easily read it every day. Is there a way I can do this.
Nitika 09/28/19
That’s so sweet, I love that Karen! What I would do is maybe copy the text on to a document and then print that out. I think that’s the easiest. Lots of love to you xx
Karen 12/07/19
Am 3 months postpartum you have no clue how much I needed to read something like this!
Thankyou❤️
Nitika 12/09/19
Oh I am so so glad it was helpful!! Sending you and your brave body so much love Karen! xx