May 24, 2015

Have You Ever Emotionally Slept With Someone On The First Date? I Have.

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Here’s a basic dating rule we’re all familiar with: don’t sleep with someone on a first date if you want a serious relationship.  When you’re living in New York City surrounded by men of all shapes, sizes, and varying levels of mental stability, this rule is pretty easy to stick to. Trust me.

I’m protective of myself in general, but even more so when it comes to meeting men. I hold myself to super high standards and of course, always conduct myself like a classy lady!

However, in a recent session with my life coach, it was brought to my attention that jumping in bed with someone physically isn’t the only form of promiscuity. Wait, what?

You see, my loves, as someone who considers herself an open book, a bundle of love, and is highly in touch with her emotions, I never thought that sharing myself to the fullest–in every moment of life–would be considered an issue.

Well, I was wrong.

During this particular coaching visit, I shared a recent dating disaster. One where I was left feeling misunderstood. To say the least, things had taken a turn for the worst which left me totally bewildered and completely confused. Of course, I thought I followed all of the “rules.”

I didn’t text him unless he texted me.

I was really easy going about meeting up but didn’t appear too available.

I also remembered to compliment him so he knew I was interested.

All things I had learned in various dating websites, handbooks, and convos with married friends–because that’s where you find all the important tips, right? Clearly, I felt that I had done nothing wrong. This guy was to blame; he just didn’t get me.

Then came the moment in the conversation where I paused from rapidly firing off all of the thoughts, feelings, and body sensations that I was experiencing because quite simply…I had been rejected.

And here’s what she said to me.

“Nitika, do you realize that you emotionally sleep with people on the first date?”

And I was like, “What??!!” (I wish there was a button on my computer to show you how high pitched my voice got in response.)

We both got quiet. And she proceeded to explain this: Just as women use physical intimacy to keep a guy interested, I was using emotional vulnerability in the same way.

Holy wake up call.

What I learned in this session is this. Instead of going straight into intense topics of conversation and trying to force a connection by asking soulful, introspective questions, there is an art to keeping it light on the first date, and maybe even the second and third one too.

I had a hard time with the term “keeping it light” when this was first brought to my attention because I’m not a superficial person. I don’t like small talk. And I couldn’t be fake if I tried.

But what I learned in this process was that keeping it light was actually more for me than for him. You wait to physically connect with someone until later because–at least in my opinion–that person needs to earn it. And emotionally, I now feel the same way. I have a lot of love to share and I know all of you do too.

So the next time you’re on a date, make sure the guy is worthy of your open heart before you open it fully.

Now I want to hear from you! Have you ever experienced this before? If so, how have you helped yourself protect your heart while not being “closed off”? If not, did you learn anything new about some of your patterns after reading this blog? Let me know if you did, this is a super safe space to share your truth.

Love you lots.

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Comments

  • Kristen

    GENIUS. I so get it. And have been working the same lesson. Thank you for this awesome reminder and share lady!

    • Nitika

      So glad you got this Kristen!! It’s been something I have been wanting to write about for a while, happy to see I am not the only one 😉 xoxo

  • Blair

    Ugh, I SO relate to this. Thanks for being so open about your experience 🙂

    • Nitika

      My pleasure Blair! Glad you could relate + hope it was helpful!! xo

  • Danai

    Thank you so much for this, gave me so many things to think about.
    I have realized in the past that sometimes I was just too open with people that didn’t really deserve it (I would realize later)or it was too soon for me to see if the other person is ok for me to share personal and sensitive information.It is so good to learn to protect and take care of yourself the best way so this is really good information that you shared!

    • Nitika

      SO glad this was helpful Danai!! I learned that same thing…many many times. This past year I finally got it in a way I never have before and just wanted people to know they are not alone. Sending you lots of love! <3

  • Priya

    Ahhh thank you so much for this post Nitika!! This is SO me! I go through the same thing. It’s almost like I’m incapable of small talk but when I do open myself up emotionally, I kind of regret it. I console myself by saying that this is just me and that I was being authentic but I totally get what you mean in this post. It really does have to be a slower and thought through process to ensure that we are not giving too much of ourselves away.

    Thanks again for sharing Nitika, nice to know that I’m not the only one! xo

    • Nitika

      Yes!! You are SO not the only one Priya. I had this conversation with so many friends before I finally wrote about it so I knew that others needed to hear the same thing. So glad this was helpful – sending you tons of love!! xoxo

  • Eliza

    Nitika, I love you, but this is just wrong. Do you know the expression, “tis better to have loved and lost, than not to love”? When our hearts are open, and we express our selves in a natural uninhibited flow, we experience the health benefits and we also get to enjoy ourselves. If a guy doesn’t like that, then he probably wouldn’t be the one in the long run anyway. When women turn themselves into pretzels to manipulate the situation, they may end up successfully coupled up with Mr. Wrong. Yes, those techniques work, but,.. at what cost? Men are the ones who need a cultural intervention, and more needs to be focused on teaching them to honor women. Please contact me anytime to continue this conversation. Whisng you all the best! Xo Eliza

    • Nitika

      Hi Eliza! Thanks for your comment, I totally hear you and it’s comments like yours that are a big reason as to why I wanted to write this post. I am in 1 million percent agreement that we should not be a “pretzel” or conform to how men would want us to be and that any man who is meant to be with me, is going to love me for all that I am. My outspoken, emotional and spunky self. However, this post is not about how to withhold so that you can please the man, it’s about how to protect yourself and that’s the biggest difference. It might still not feel right for you and that’s totally fine! However in my experience, I tend to over share to win a guy over when that is not my truth. Hope that helps but either way, love you too and thank you so much for sharing!! xoxo

  • Omar

    I only wish we all can be more honest to each other when going out on a date & stop playing games ….

    • Nitika

      Totally agree – not about playing games at all Omar! xoxo

  • Jane

    Although happily married for almost 24 years, this is such a ‘Wow, I should have had a V-8″ moment for me! Should I ever find myself back in the dating pond, or in any relationship building scenario quite frankly, I can see the immense value here! Thanks for sharing, Nitika!

    • Nitika

      Haha you’re too cute – thanks Jane! So glad you found this to be good advice even after being happily married for so long!! Lots of love xoxo

  • Ruby

    Love this post! The concept of ‘keeping it light’ on a first date is beautiful. What a wonderful way to open up a safe, sacred space for both people.

    • Nitika

      Yes exactly, Ruby! I get SO intense on first dates some times so that was a major game changer for me. So glad it resonated with you! Lots of love xoxo

  • lisa

    Nitika! I just found you via a friend of mine, Marci Baron, who is going to be at your event in June, which I signed up for. Anyway, I love this post! I am married now but it was not easy to find the right man. I got divorced when I was 29 and spent 7 years trying to (1) figure myself out and (2) figure out if/how a man was going to fit into the new picture. I thought life was supposed to be a certain way and then I got divorced so that ended that fantasy. Then I went on a big journey of self discovery and through a lot of therapy, yoga and meditation, I found my true self. My biggest question was do I have to compromise myself in order to meet a man? and the answer was and is NO! And I am so glad that you put this out there because you do not ever have to compromise yourself but you do have to manage yourself so that you don’t get hurt. And the truth is that it is not you ever. It is them. If they can’t take your shining light from minute one then buh-bye! And if you feel that it is best to keep it light then do that. The most important thing that I have learned is to be yourself. Dating is like a job and you have to navigate the politics as best as you can. But you are beautiful and open and full of love and when the right guy presents himself you will see him and the keeping it light stuff and the rules will all fall away. Really looking forward to the event and reading more of your posts!

    • Nitika

      Aww I can’t wait to meet you Lisa!! So glad that you found us here through Marci + thrilled that you found this article to be spot-on! I really loved reading your story Lisa, see you in a few weeks!! xoxo

  • Bhavana

    Love this candid nature of yours Nitika, yes you need need to figure out who is giving value to you. You need to get such man/ people in life, rather than the ignoring and aloof type(s). When you find such people, you need to ignore back and discard them.

  • Jessleen

    Hi Nitika,

    Let me start by saying you are such a beautiful person inside out and I am so glad that I found your blog. I am currently dealing with this situation where I opened up and kept my heart out on my first date becuse thats me as a person and the other individual totally disrespected my feelings. Thank you for sharing this post and hopefully i try to start taking things with little more caution so I dont get hurt 🙂 xxx

    • Nitika

      Thank you SO much for this beautiful note Jessleen, and for being so vulnerable with us on the site. As you read, I have totally been there. It’s a fine line between protecting your heart and being guarded, but at least you have an awareness now that you can grow in to for the future. Sending so much love your way! xo

  • Aakriti

    Oh dear! I’m afraid this is me.. 100% and what a holy wake up call indeed!!!
    A) Yay I’m not alone!!
    B) How do you NOT emotionally sleep with people? Cuz I’m guilty of this and can’t be airy-fairy fake.. Blech.. Would love any tips, experience..
    I think I just had one of these emotional hook ups blow up in my face.. Just wondering how to avert the sticky sitch next time onwards 🙂
    Thanks a bunch Nitika! This was awesome! <3

    • Nitika

      Hi Aakriti! You are most certainly NOT alone – promise! In terms of how to NOT do this, it’s honestly something that I feel takes a bit of practice. I had to first be aware which it sounds like you are now (yay!!) and then I had to find the delicate balance between being guarded/closed off and being so open that I wasn’t taking care of myself but putting everything on the other person. So I would start by trying to pick like 3 or 4 topics that are “safe zones” for you. Things that you can share, so you are still being open, and yet not those topics that are going to make you have an emotional hangover afterwards. Does that make sense? Hope this is helpful – please know that you are already doing GREAT! Lots of love xoxo

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