Here’s a basic dating rule we’re all familiar with: don’t sleep with someone on a first date if you want a serious relationship. When you’re living in New York City surrounded by men of all shapes, sizes, and varying levels of mental stability, this rule is pretty easy to stick to. Trust me.
I’m protective of myself in general, but even more so when it comes to meeting men. I hold myself to super high standards and of course, always conduct myself like a classy lady!
However, in a recent session with my life coach, it was brought to my attention that jumping in bed with someone physically isn’t the only form of promiscuity. Wait, what?
You see, my loves, as someone who considers herself an open book, a bundle of love, and is highly in touch with her emotions, I never thought that sharing myself to the fullest–in every moment of life–would be considered an issue.
Well, I was wrong.
During this particular coaching visit, I shared a recent dating disaster. One where I was left feeling misunderstood. To say the least, things had taken a turn for the worst which left me totally bewildered and completely confused. Of course, I thought I followed all of the “rules.”
I didn’t text him unless he texted me.
I was really easy going about meeting up but didn’t appear too available.
I also remembered to compliment him so he knew I was interested.
All things I had learned in various dating websites, handbooks, and convos with married friends–because that’s where you find all the important tips, right? Clearly, I felt that I had done nothing wrong. This guy was to blame; he just didn’t get me.
Then came the moment in the conversation where I paused from rapidly firing off all of the thoughts, feelings, and body sensations that I was experiencing because quite simply…I had been rejected.
And here’s what she said to me.
“Nitika, do you realize that you emotionally sleep with people on the first date?”
And I was like, “What??!!” (I wish there was a button on my computer to show you how high pitched my voice got in response.)
We both got quiet. And she proceeded to explain this: Just as women use physical intimacy to keep a guy interested, I was using emotional vulnerability in the same way.
Holy wake up call.
What I learned in this session is this. Instead of going straight into intense topics of conversation and trying to force a connection by asking soulful, introspective questions, there is an art to keeping it light on the first date, and maybe even the second and third one too.
I had a hard time with the term “keeping it light” when this was first brought to my attention because I’m not a superficial person. I don’t like small talk. And I couldn’t be fake if I tried.
But what I learned in this process was that keeping it light was actually more for me than for him. You wait to physically connect with someone until later because–at least in my opinion–that person needs to earn it. And emotionally, I now feel the same way. I have a lot of love to share and I know all of you do too.
So the next time you’re on a date, make sure the guy is worthy of your open heart before you open it fully.
Now I want to hear from you! Have you ever experienced this before? If so, how have you helped yourself protect your heart while not being “closed off”? If not, did you learn anything new about some of your patterns after reading this blog? Let me know if you did, this is a super safe space to share your truth.
Love you lots.