We are about two seconds away from a new year and I can feel the combination of emotions mixing up in my system like a reflection cocktail. While I have been reviewing the year internally throughout its entirety, I really understood what this year was all about for me when I had an end-of-year check-in with my long time therapist a couple of weeks ago. After seeing Aleyda consistently for 8 years I decided I was ready to stop coming in for regular sessions around March this year. She was about to move to a different part of the country and I felt like I had squeezed every last drop of transformation out of our time together so it was the right timing for both of us. However when she came to New York in December and offered to do a session with me, I was SO excited to see her again and make some sense of all that had transpired since I had last seen her over 9 months ago.
I sat down in her office and when she asked me “what’s been happening since I last saw you?” it all hit me. I replied and said “I changed my life this year.” She, knowing me more than I know myself at times, could feel the truth in what I was saying in the deepest parts of her heart and we both just smiled at each other for a moment. I let out a deep sigh of relief knowing that after all I had been going through for years, I was finally ready to claim my strength and honor the months and months of time I had invested in making my health, my heart, my work, my community and my life as a whole, the best it could possibly be.
If you’ve been following me since at least 2016 then you have probably read some of my blogs where I have laid it all out on the table for you. I have shared what happens on mornings when my heart is completely broken and how hard it’s been to find a love that fits and lasts ever since my divorce. I have shared how my health was flaring up in a way that brought me to my knees with pain and fear, having no idea if I could ever get my body to a stable place. I have also shared how my career just wasn’t working the way I had hoped for close to two years, no matter what tricks and manifestation techniques I had tried.
In 2018, I got so fed up and tired of all the pain and suffering I felt I kept having to experience for one reason or another, that I refused to take it anymore. It changed me and I am so deeply grateful for the year I had because of it. The thing I believe that caused the greatest change was my willingness to be honest with myself and others. I became unapologetic about acknowledging the Truth. After ignoring multiple signs in past relationships with guys I have dated and friends I have loved, I just knew it was time to cut the crap and listen to the truth in my heart. It’s right there if we carve out even just a few moments a day to listen for it and honor it and if we get the courage to stop questioning our truth so much.
This year started better than the last couple as I landed my 6 month contract to work with Dove on a new skin care line on January 2nd. However I didn’t really make a significant change in my life until the beginning of May. I had stopped dating someone I had grown to really like around my birthday in early April and it sent me into a spin cycle that I was all too familiar with. Beating myself up, letting go of my self-care practices, feeling disconnected to my work and purpose and being in a complete fantasy about what was really going on with my finances. The thing is that this guy and I had barely even dated so unlike other times, I didn’t have the significance of our time together to blame my emotional reaction on. Not this time. While he didn’t show up in a way that was very kind and I did start to like him, the intensity of my feelings pushed me to acknowledge that it was ME that was out of alignment and the fact that the experiences in my life weren’t adding up to be the way I had imagined them to be was something that I had to take ownership of. If I wanted my life to change I needed to be willing to make those changes. The good thing was that I was so over all the nonsense in my life that I was willing to be as disciplined as I needed to be.
I started to pray, get quiet, spend a lot of time alone and ask for help and support from people who were living their lives in ways that felt healthy and inspiring to me. This is also where the honesty came into play. After days of doing an internal inventory of all of the things that were out of alignment for me I was able to see that I was in a complete fantasy when it came to money and men in my life. Somehow I never really landed in reality when it came to either area and while I knew something was off I wasn’t really able to understand it until I made the commitment to change in these two areas.
In order to heal around my romantic relationships I put myself on a dating hiatus from May until September which was incredibly liberating and one of the kindest things I have ever done for myself in the area of love. And even though my dating break has been over for several months now I still have taken the pursuit of dating off the table. No apps, no forced matches, no desperation. Just deepening the truth of who I am, what I want and my desire to be alone over settling for the wrong fit. It feels hard in moments, I will admit. I have fleeting thoughts of being further in to my 30’s than I had ever imagined as a single woman. But I have a lot more peace and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Where my finances were concerned, holy moly I had no idea just how out of it I was in this area. There had been one too many weeks where I found myself not able to pay for some of my most basic needs and move throughout my life in a way that I felt was truly a reflection of who I am and what I am worth. I found myself making large sums of money with big contracts and incredible partnerships but then months later I would have nothing to show for it. After many conversations and reality checks I realized that I lived in this sort of fantasy world when it came to money. While I would get money from time to time, a lot of the time I would get emails from my agent or from partners about the money that was coming without really having a grasp on the money that was actually there. Once I realized this, I sat down and created an master Google Sheet that has me tracking every single true thing that happens on every single day in my business. I track how much money actually gets in to my account, how many emails I sent, how many connections I made or events I attended. I kicked my butt in to the truth, not the fantasy world that had been so appealing yet incredibly depleting for so long. I also enlisted the help of a dear friend who is a financial advisor and she helped me create a plan for my finances in terms of savings, paying taxes and even planning for some big expenses I had coming up.
We all have different things that will work for us and maybe the methods I used aren’t your ideal methods. But what I will say is that getting connected to the TRUTH of what is going on versus what we hope, dream or think is taking place is the healthiest thing I think we can do. In fact I became so obsessed with finding the truth and acknowledging it that I started to realize how much of a deficit there is with people being able to handle the truth in their lives and have straight forward conversations about it. I know the truth can feel daunting and too painful to face at times but I have found that if we have the courage to face it, the pain might be intense at first, but the relief is completely worth it and will change your life.
That’s a big part of why I decided to create my podcast which officially launches on January 6th (YAY!!) and shares stories of triumph, courage, pain and most of all the truth. My show is called The Point of Pain and it is one of the most exciting projects I have created in a while. I interview some of the most incredible people I have had the privilege of knowing or admiring from afar and we go IN. We talk about the truth they each have discovered in the highs and lows of their lives and if they have found a point to it all. I have already interviewed some of my favorite people including Deepica Mutyala, Katie Wilcox, Reshma Saujani and more. For the first episode my dear friend Blair Badenhop interviews me and I share stories from my life that I have never shared publicly. I also share images from when I was the most sick in my life which I have been literally hiding in a closet for the last 17 years hoping that no one will ever find out how sick I looked, fearing they could never love me if they really knew. I had a lot of fear and resistance around this project but now that it’s here, I can’t wait to share this with you my loves. The introduction episode is live already so you can listen to that here.
Now I want to hear from you! What lessons did you work through this year? How did you do it and what was the most rewarding part of the process? Or you can share what was challenging and ask for support. I absolutely LOVE hearing from you and it’s my favorite part about having a blog so I can’t wait to read your comments below. Happy New Year angels!
PS – For those of you who are new to podcasts, when you go to my show page on my website you can listen to the show there but my recommendation (and preference) is to click the Apple Podcasts link under the player and have you subscribe and leave a review if you’re inspired. That helps the show SO much and I would be so pumped to see what you think about it. Either way, I hope it supports you on your journey.
Comments
Anita Chopra 12/29/18
Love you baby! So proud of you. Keep up the great work. Wishing you her best in 2019 ❤️
Nitika 12/29/18
Thanks Mom!! So grateful for your support as always. You’re the best!! xx
Kim 12/29/18
Nitika,
This was by far my most favorite blog of yours. You are always raw and truthful, that’s what I love about your work. Thank you for putting this out there, I know I related to it on so many levels, especially the financial fantasy part! I know everyone relates on some level. I loved your first podcast episode and look forward to hearing more. You are an inspiration! Here’s to 2019 being amazing!!
xoxo
Kim
Nitika 12/29/18
Ahhh!! Thank you Kim!!! This means the absolute WORLD to me. I feel like I pour every ounce of my soul into my blogs so hearing that they make a difference or resonate with you on any level is a true gift. Can’t wait to see what 2019 brings us!! xx
Sumit Parihar Rajput 12/30/18
Your journey is a pure source of inspiration, your work ethics and perseverance is a perfect example of positivity. This is the first time I am reading your blog and I felt so positive and overwhelming. I wish you all the success and healthy life in the coming years. Keep motivating everyone across the globe. You are very charming and determined personality. Keep it up. You have long way to go. So inspired by you. #Peace🙏🏻
Regards Sumit
Kishtwar J&K India.
Nitika 12/30/18
This is so sweet Sumit thank you so much for your comment. I am thrilled to have you here as a first time reader, welcome!! Lots of love xx
Beverly 12/30/18
Thanks for your raw, authentic honesty in sharing with us what is really going on in your life. It is hard to be open and vulnerable but you did it and in doing so have helped pave the way in challenging us to do the same. This is where your community or tribe can then be a support in encouraging you and others around them who are in need of having their story heard and feel the love and support around them too. 😊
Nitika 12/30/18
Beverly thank you for your comment! It means the world to me and I feel your support through the inter webs. Glad to know my blog resonated with you. Sending you lots of love xx
Maria 12/30/18
Love your blog and how vulnerable you get. I also feel a lot of people don’t talk about the pain they go through and the struggle. How I feel that a lot talk about change your thoughts and get everything you want. I feel there are other forces we can’t see or at play. Really it’s more accurate saying change your patterns and change your life. How challenging times pave our path. I’m so excited for your podcast. How you changed and the alchemy you invoked in life turned pain into gold. Thank you for sharing your struggles and how you changed your life. Looking forward to your podcast. Xx!
Nitika 12/30/18
This is so sweet Maria, thank you!! And yes I totally agree that a lot of times people make life seem so one-dimensional and that simply changing a thought can change everything. It might be true SOME times but there are lots of times where we need more. So glad this resonated with you and sending you so much love xx
Jennifer Fugo 12/30/18
I learned a number of valuable lessons that included knowing the worth of my voice and what I have to offer, truly stepping into the role of being the CEO of my business and making more meaningful yet difficult choices at times that were in more alignment to grow the business, and lastly to let go of people that I was trying so desperately to have relationships with who clearly did not value me in the same light. out of all of them I’d say the last one was the most difficult and stung the most because I had invested so much time. but what I see now is that our lives are very different as well as our values and while we can be acquaintances, being friends is not a worthwhile use of energy.
the financial peace is a big one for me and is one reason why I hired both a bookkeeper and a consultant firm to help me really up my game to understand finances and be a better CEO moving forward. I’m so glad that you were willing to share these things because they aren’t always the things that people want to share, but they are the things that truly help push us to the next level of personal freedom and deeply knowing yourself and all of your potential.
Nitika 12/30/18
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment Jennifer! Sounds like we have been living parallel lives 🙂 I SO resonate with all that you wrote but especially the pain around having to let friendships go, when you feel like you’ve invested so much and wanted them to last forever. That was super hard for me too. Glad we are doing whatever it takes to take care of ourselves! Sending you so much love xx
Amna 12/30/18
Nitika,
This is so brave of you to share – I have followed you for a while but I was not aware of your divorce – much love, prayers and strength your way for being such a positive, motivational and REAL person. I have been through my share of bad relationships to know the toll these things take on our well being and the everlasting feelings of insecurity.
Kudos to you for realizing and devoting time and energy to your self 🙂
I am aware of your health issues to some extent- just want to share my two cents. My uncle who is in his 60s has been struggling with psoriasis for a while. I introduced him to celery juice this year and his condition has improved significantly – I’ve been doing it myself for 4 months (I have acne) and it has changed my life! You might already know this but just wanted to send your way 🙂
This year, I took up photography and started an Insta page a few months ago. You are definitely one of my inspirations for starting 😊 and I hope to grow it. I would be so honored if you check it it and would love feedback if any!
Many prayers and wishes your way for a 2019.
Hopefully one day we can meet for a coffee and u can share some more wisdom and positivity.
Much love! 💕💕
Amna
Nitika 12/30/18
Thanks so much Amna, such a sweet comment and I appreciate the love and support so much!! So glad to hear that you and your uncle are feeling better and that you are following your passions. It means the world that I was part of what inspired you to do so!! Sending you so much love xx
Samantha Caffrey 12/30/18
So beautiful!! I’m happy to hear about you becoming really honest regarding relationships and finances. Getting real about my finances is one of my biggest goals for 2019. In 2018 I worked A LOT on leaning into fear instead of running from it and building my confidence. This lead to a couple amazing new career opportunities, traveling and feeling more comfortable asking for my worth 💕 can’t wait to see your next chapter!
Nitika 12/30/18
Love all of this Sam!! You are such a light and I know that all of this work you are doing to own your worth and take better care of yourself is just leading you to the most dope place ever!! Can’t wait to see how we both go through 2019 this year. Lots of love!! xx
Vivek Kapoor 12/30/18
Hi
I m first time reading your blog. Really touched by your life. Even I have faced so much in last two years that it seemed as if I was reading and going through my own life. Even I have changed myself in 2018 and now I m a different person. Enjoying life alone. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful writeup.
Nitika 12/30/18
This is so sweet, thanks Vivek! And I am so excited to have you as a first time reader. Welcome!! Lots of love xx
Keny K Patel 12/30/18
Nitika,
I am so proud of you sharing your inspirational story.
This is first blog of yours i am reading and i know you are a warrior. Best wishes for podcast and 2019 !!
Nitika 01/11/19
Aww thank you Kenny! That means a lot!! xx
Aleyda Novotny 01/08/19
You always amaze me after all these years…still amazingly beautiful inside and out.
Proud of you and your unapologetic truth seeker and speaker. Blessings beautiful one
Nitika 01/11/19
Ledy!!! You are one of my greatest angels in life!! I love you and am so incredibly grateful for you and our work together. Words could never do it justice!! Love you!!
Jessica 01/17/19
To know that another Indian woman has gone through similar struggles as me makes me feel like I’m not as alone as I thought I was, so thank you for that first and foremost. Everyone keeps telling me that 2019 is “my year” as I’m getting ready for my wedding in June. Problem is I know in my heart he’s not the one. He’s great on the outside but not on the inside. I feel almost guilty for saying that out loud. Indian weddings (as I’m sure you know) are just huge excuses for both families to show off and throw their money around. With so much money spent already, I feel like I would be disappointing my family if I walked away from this proposal. They remind me constantly that I can’t do better. Every day I feel torn and more and more alone with little to no enthusiasm whatsoever to plan this wedding. I cry myself to sleep most nights and on the rare occasion I’m okay on the outside, I’m dying on the inside. It’s almost like I’m searching for permission to take hold of my life. Is all I boil down to the future wife of a successful doctor? Why do I feel so paralyzed? Not sure why I felt like I could tell you, a complete stranger, all of that. Your smile and charm make you seem so easy to talk to nitika. If you’ve read this, I thank you for your time. God bless you. Never stop smiling 🙂
Nitika 01/17/19
Oh my gosh Jessica!! I am not anyone to give permission but if you need it from someone – YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO LEAVE!!! Take it from me, divorce or being in pain and suffering for years and years is not BETTER or even less expensive. It will be acute pain but it will pass eventually and you would have taken your life, your ONE precious life, into your own hands. God is with you always. Please please follow your heart!! xx
Theresa Bucci 01/16/20
I just experienced your radiant generous spirit through the IIN course and I simply had to look you up, and sign my close friends up for your blog! Thank you for your overflowing joy and wisdom. I look forward to more !
Nitika 01/16/20
Oh that is so sweet + I am so glad angel!